I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.