Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing