Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
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gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Good morning y’all ☀️
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
watergate? u mean a dam??
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.