I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address