Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
You Might Also Like
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Put the is in disheveled
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???