Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
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As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
we all know this pain all too well
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then