Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
saw this in a dream
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.