Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
🌱🌱🌱
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.