You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!