Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Just me and my debit card against the world
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.