*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
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me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
he was correct
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Going into Monday like
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE