Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
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[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem