Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
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*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk