Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.