Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Yes, but it was never about money
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?