The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
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had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.