Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.