My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
it must be school picture day
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
some things should go without saying
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.