I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
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You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
No laws when master is gone
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.