In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My neck my back my allergy attack
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.