I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”