wtf is a larm clock?
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Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead