You Might Also Like
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Is….Is this an option?