When you let grandma cat sit
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I am never leaving this website
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.