No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
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[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
$3 #books
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.