When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.