Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.