I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
She was REALLY feeling it.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today