every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
We avoided this particular disaster
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?