ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.