If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french