Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
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Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“I wouldn’t.”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.