Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My patience has stretch marks.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN