I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me too 😆
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
favorite tropes as memes