I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done