The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.