I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
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Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me