“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
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I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The sacred texts.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.