If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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