Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
You Might Also Like
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
my proudest tweet
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
OH. COME. ON.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?