WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads