Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
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me irl
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
dude it’s called proctologist
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.