Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house