Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
You Might Also Like
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.