You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die