[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
You Might Also Like
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
me, too, girl. me, too.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Watson was Holmes schooled
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.