If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!