Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle