sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.