oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now